Weird, But True; Things I’ve Thought Or Said About (Or To a Picture Of) Carolyn Jones

If you don’t know by now how I feel about Carolyn Jones, then you have not been stalking me to the capacity at which I would prefer. Also, you must not be following me on Tumblr (http://www.tumblr.com/blog/carolynmycarolyn). To avoid further embarrassment on your part, please go to my Tumblr page and prepare to have your mind blown by her. Sometimes I just can’t control my love for her and, as someone who can appreciate the humor in most everything, I am fully aware of how crazy these thoughts sound to someone who has never known a love like ours. This is one of those things where it’s funny because it’s true. All too true. This list is funny, but it’s not a joke. It’s my life. So with out further ado, here is a list of just some of the crazy things that Carolyn makes me think/say:

Her nostrils are so perfect.

“I’m so glad you got a nose job.”

“You’re so beautiful! *EEEEK!*”

*Just stared at a picture of her and wept at her beauty*

“I love your choppy bangs.”

“I can’t believe they killed you off in that movie!”

“I don’t get it, but you look so adorable with Aaron Spelling.”

No one should look that sexy smoking a cigarette.

“Oh my God! Look at your eyes! You’re so beautiful!”

“You looked so amazing in that movie.”

“I wish you had stayed married to Aaron Spelling forever.”

“If you had to divorce Aaron Spelling, I wish you had married John Astin.”

I love her.

“I love you.”

“I can’t believe they turned you into a Pod in that movie!”

“You’re so much prettier than her.”

“How were you never on Bonanza? It was on for something like ten years! You were on freaking Frontier Circus and there were only, like, fourteen episodes of that stupid show! By the way, you looked amazing, even with frontier hair.”

“What is with those cheekbones?! Ugh! You’re spectacular!”

“You look good with every hair color.”

“I just love your swag.”

*Wept about her awful marriage to Herb Greene*

“If you could move on from your marriage to Herb Greene, so can I.”

“Why are you like this, you beautiful woman!”

WHAT?! How could Walter Matthau shoot like, a bajillion times, and never hit Elvis, but kills Carolyn in one shot! She was standing BEHIND Elvis!

“You’re just… magical.”

There aren’t enough pictures of Carolyn in this room, yet.

“I think we share a soul.”

“I hate to see you sad.”

“My love…”

“Oh my God, you’re face!”

“WHY DO YOU KEEP DYING IN MOVIES?!”

Look at those hands…

“Your hands are so beautiful.”

I think this smells like Carolyn.

That little fat under her chin is so cute.**

“How are you making even Mickey Rooney look mildly sexy? You’re just radiating sex appeal!”

“You would have made a good victim on Law & Order: SVU.”

*Sigh*

“My love! You were SO PERFECT on Playhouse 90! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!”

WHY CAN’T I FIND PLAYHOUSE 90 ON DVD?!

“Your eyes say everything…”

“I hate that I can’t just look anywhere and see a picture of you.”

“You look so cute when you talk after taking a bite of food.”


… and much, much more!

**Okay, this one almost freaks even me out.

Bevin With A "B" Not Kevin With A "K"

Hello, my name is Bevin. It’s pronounced like Kevin, but with a ‘B,’ instead of a ‘K.’ I only say that because in my twenty three and three quarters years on earth I’ve noticed that people have a really effing hard time pronouncing it. I’ve heard so many bastardizations of my name that I can’t even remember them all. But I do remember a few, so here they are; Bee-vin (the most acceptable mispronunciation), Blevin (close, but you’ve added an ’l’), Devin (“I thought it was just a misprint!”), and Buh-lev-elin (WTF?!)

And once they’ve figured out how to say my name, there seems to be a series of questions I’m subjected to. First, there’s the classic “Is that your first name?” But they usually say it all judgey, with a furrowed brow and a tilted head. Like it couldn’t possibly be my first name unless my parents were playing some cruel joke on me. Another thing people like to ask is “Do you like it?” I don’t like this question. It’s kind of less a question for me, and more of an implication of their feelings towards my name. People also tend to ask where it came from, which is fine, but I feel like most people are named by their parents, no? Unless my parents had, like, sixteen kids before me and by the time they got to the seventeenth they were spent. Like, maybe they let all the other kids put their favorite name in a hat and then just picked one. Or maybe they picked two out and let everyone vote on it. “Well, it’s between ‘Bevin’ and ‘Wasn’tSixteenEnough.’ Eh, I guess Bevin will do.”

There is one thing, though, that people say that they assume I will find most interesting. People love to tell me that they know someone whose name rhymes with mine.

“Bevin? I know a Devin!”

“Shut up! Shut up! That is so crazy! Caroline, did you hear that?! This woman knows a Devin! Joni, come hear so this stranger can tell you the most amazing news you’ve ever heard! Devin, huh? Wow, I’m calling my parents right now! They‘ll never believe this!”

I’m not trying to sound like a jerk, I just wonder what these people are thinking sometimes when they let words out of their mouths.



Don’t get me wrong, having a different name is awesome. Just ask Apple. I wouldn’t want to have the kind of name where when someone yells it out in a crowd a half a million people turn around, thinking you’re talking to them. It actually happens that I went to college with another Bevin, who hung out with some of the same people I hung out with. Every time they would mention her I was like, “What?! Oh. They’re talking about the other Bevin.” (I didn’t mean for that to come off sounding like she’s my nemesis, but it did anyway.)

The real bitch about having a different name is that you can never get a novelty item with your name on it. One Christmas someone in my department at work gave everyone else in the department a little ornament with their name on it. Mine said “You’re Special.” Which, don’t get me wrong, I totally am, but it was a little bit of a bummer. I really love my name, but I’ll never be able to find a pen, or a pack of stickers, or a bike license plate with “Bevin” on it. I dream of a day when I walk into a novelty shop and find a mug that has my wonderful moniker on it. “Bevin,” it’ll call to me. “Bevin, I’ve been waiting for you.”

Until that day, I will continue to wear my Greetings and Readings name tag around my house. Even though I am no longer employed there.

Broken Funny Bone

Oh, how I long to make you laugh,

Split your sides right in half.

Just tell me what I need to do.

Pick my nose? Step in poo?

Should I tell a “Knock-Knock” joke?

Drink a cup that’s full of yoke?

Blow some milk out through my nose?

I’ll try some more. Okay, here goes!

Roll in paint and call it art?

Sit on a whoopee and let out a fart?

What happens if I slip and fall?

Would that make you laugh at all?

Perhaps I’ll snort, like a pig.

No? How about a rainbow wig?

Bump my head on a ceiling tile?!

What’s with you?! Why won’t you smile?!

I’ll never give up! Don’t you forget!

I’ll tickle your funny! You’ll chuckle yet!

We may be done, but just for today.

I’m off to get pointers, from my boo, Tina Fey.

　

Guilty Pleasure

Park the car and step outside.

All of this joy is too hard to hide.

A growl in my stomach and a smile on my face,

I knew when we got here we came to the right place.

We bare the sweat, and heat from the sun.

It’s the number one sign that Summer’s begun.

We’re next in the line, next to chose.

With all these great flavors, how can we lose?

Raspberry? Mango? What flavor of ice?

Chocolate? Vanilla? A custard could be nice.

Step up to the window. Quick! What will it be?!

Shawn goes with a classic, “Chocolate for me!”

Spooning gelati from a small paper cup,

That’s one guilty pleasure we’ll never give up!

Now snack time is over, our trash thrown away.

We’ll do as they ask. We’ll “have an ice day!”