I always tell people that I hate peanut butter, but then I make all kind of exceptions for the only way I will ever eat it. “Well, I mean, I like it on peanut and jelly sandwiches. But it has to have more jelly than peanut butter! And I guess it’s okay on a banana, or an apple. And I kind of like peanut butter M&Ms, but definitely never Reese’s Pieces! And oh my God! How about peanut butter on celery?! Woah! But basically, I never eat peanut butter. Ever.” Actually, I really would never eat a spoonful of peanut butter. Seriously. That’s really is gross.
2. Chocolate
Now, chocolate does come with certain terms. I mostly only want it if I’m anticipating a menses. Or if I’m at the movies and I already have some popcorn. Then I, of course, have to have something sweet to complement the saltiness of the popcorn. When I was, like, maybe 12 or so (not that the age matters, because I’ve done it a couple of times since), my friend and I would sometimes lay on her living room floor watching Jerry Springer and eating popcorn drizzled with Hershey’s syrup. It actually kind of makes the popcorn soggy after a while, so I advise eating quickly or drizzle as you go. Another exception is if the chocolate has nuts or fruit in it. Do your self a solid and find a quality chocolate covered orange peel. You can thank me later.
3. Sleeping Until Noon
When I wake up and see that my alarm clock says 12:00, and the little “a.m.” light isn’t lit, I spend the whole day complaining to everyone about how I can’t believe I slept that late. I rarely ever have a reason that can justify sleeping into the afternoon. Unless loving to sleep is a good enough reason. I didn’t ever really enjoy sleep until the summer after my sophomore year of high school. I would stay up until 4am watching On the Town, and other various MGM musicals, and then I would sleep until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. It was the second most glorious summer of my life. (The most glorious summer was spent watching Hello, Dolly! and Funny Girl in heavy rotation. I was ten.) Never before had sleep felt so amazing. Since then I’ve had a couple nights that were spent the same way, and even though they truly upset the balance of my everyday life, it feels amazing to wake up and know that while everyone lese has already been at work for, oh, say, 5 hours, I’m only just waking up.
4. The Word ‘Poop’
I truly find this word disgusting. Unless it is used appropriately. Like, don’t just tell me you have to go do it, or that you just did it, or that you like doing, or that you just stepped in some. Actually, you can tell me if you stepped in some, as long as you don’t mind me laughing at you. The only time I have honest and truly enjoyed the word is on an episode of “Parks and Recreation” when Rob Lowe’s character has the flu. He looks right at himself in the mirror and says “Stop… pooping.” It was so funny that I watched it on youtube.com a million times and then posted it to my facebook wall. Oh, ‘poop’ is kind of funny when my dad says it because he pronounces it ‘poo-pay’ and he kind of sounds like Richard Pryor. He kind of looks like him, too. A white Richard Pryor.
5. Anne Hathaway
I don’t know why, but I really can’t warm up to her. I don’t need to really. It’s not like we’re going to be college roommates and we need to be in each other’s space all the time. I just feel like there are some people who you can’t stand and you know it’s for no apparent reason. The times I liked her she was doing an impression of Mary Poppins on “Saturday Night Live,” and hosting the Oscars. I’m pretty sure I’m alone on that last one, but I thought she was moderately adorable. Oh, wait! There was another time I liked her! When she was being interviewed by Chelsea Handler she said that her family had denounced the Catholic church because they disapproved of her gay brother. That was pretty cool of her. Hmm. Now that I’ve remembered that, I kind of like her a little bit more. I might have to rethink putting her on this list.
